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*Voldie in school... His first defence against the dark arts lesson*
Proffesor: Good morning class, its nice to see bright, eager new faces, I
Voldie: Muwahahahaha!!
Professor: Erm... *glances at register* Tom, is it... Can we please have less manic laughter in my class
Voldie: Do not call me by that horrid muggle name!! I am now called... Lord Evelistevilgeniusthateverlived... MUWAHAHAHAHA!!
Professor: I... see...
Voldie: Tremble at my curses!! Wet yourself at my hexes!!
OtherStudent: Yea, wet ourselves with laughter more like!
Voldie: Hey! Shut up!
OtherStudent: Oh, what you gonna do?? Force me to sneeze? Im sooo scared!
Voldie: No, im going to complete my school years, then have severe plastic surgery, change my name and re-enter the wizarding world as the greatest dark lord there ever was and torture you and any family you have remaining or accumulated!!!
OtherStudent: ...Why not just hex me now and get it over with??
Voldie: Because... because.... because i'll get a detention...
Lavender: Erm... Hermionie, do you really think this is a good idea??
Hermionie: What on earth are you talking about Lavender?
Lavender: Well... do you really think you should get married at such a young age??
Hermionie: Of course! He'll be dead pretty soon, then i can have all his money!
Lavender: Its a good plan Hermionie, but do you really think he'll die??
Hermionie: Of course he will! He's just a whiney little boy, how can he defeat the dark lord!?
Lavender: Good point! Anyway, we're going to be late, its good you decided to get married in the great hall, now everyone can be there!
*the two walk down to the great hall. Once the doors open, Hermionie walks down the aisle bewteen the house tables to the front where her groom is waiting*
Snape: You look beautiful my dearest!
Hermionie: Why thank you honey... *whispers* dont you think you could have washed for this?
Snape: Oh you're such a tease!
Dumbledore: We are gathered here today, to join these people in holy matramony, but before i go on, is there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be married. If so, say now or forever hold your peace... I've always wanted to say that!
Ron: Yes! I have a reason!!
Hermionie: Ron! Dont! I told you, its never going to work between us! I love... Snape *shudders slightly*
Ron: Shut up hermionie! This doesnt concern you!
Hermionie: What??!
Ron: Snape! Dont do it!! Think of me!
Snape: Ronald! Sit down!
Ron: No father!!
*sharp intake of breath from the entire hall*
Snape: You idiot!!
Ron: Thats right!! He's my father! And he's already married to my mother!!
Snape: No Ron! Please! My darkest secret!!
*doors of the hall burst open*
Sprout: SEVERUS!!! Get away from that student immediately!
Snape: Yes dear...
Colin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Will my finger puppet play never be complete!!??! NEVER?!?!? *breaks down crying*
Sprout: Im sorry miss granger, but you cannot marry my husband... *whispers* I hear dumbledore and Voldemort just broke up, get in there... or you could try Harry or Krum... the richest people you know who just happen to like you!
Hermionie: Thanks for saving me prof. Sprout
Sprout: Your quite welcome! I assume Severus put some kind of love potion in your pumpkin juice??
Hermionie: Erm, yes... yes.. that was it!
Sprout: Now Severus, remove yourself from this room!
Snape: You havent heard the last of this Ronald!!
Dum dum dum, dum dum dumdedum {eastenders ending}
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*10 years after Ron graduated from Hogwarts and has inexplicably got the post for the defence against dark arts teacher... Snape is still pi$... this is Rons first lesson*
Ron: Good morning class, my name is Mr. Weasley!
Student: *Snigger* weeeeasel...
Ron: Who said that?!
Student: Me sir, sorry sir, i misheard your name sir!
Ron: 50 points from Slytherin!!
Student: But im in Griffindor sir...
Ron: I dont care!! another 10 points form Slytherin for your increasing rudeness!!
Student: Erm, ok???
Ron: Alright then class... sit down
*Class sits*
Ron: Cooool... Stand up!
*Class stands*
Ron: Heehee, touch your toes
*Students touch their toes*
Ron: Put your left arm in, left arm out, in out, in out, shake it all about... You know, i've always thought the lyrics to that tune sound very wrong...
*students obey*
Ron: Ok, enough of that! Sit down!
*Class sits down*
Ron: That was so funny!! You people do everything i tell you to!
Student: We have to sir, you're our teacher!
Ron: Yes, yes... we'll get to that later! Now...
*door opens and Snape staggers in*
Snape: You! I've been watching you *points at ron with a bottle*
Ron: When? What did you see because I assure you that sheep said it wanted...
Snape: No! *sluring words* Not... not about that... Although D...d...d...dumbledore wants to see you about that... I think he wants some tips... anyway... you! You b*astard! I... I...
Ron: Would you like to sit down, you look a little flushed!
Snape: No! I would not like to sit down you...you...you knob jockey!
Ron: Oh my! How did you know!... Oh right... But i was reeeealy drun dude, I...
Snape: Be quiet! I... You... Pupils... Not meant to hear!!
Ron: Oh sorry Severus... but i think you should go back to your dungeon and drink some coffee...
Snape: Oh... alright! But im not through with you!! *Staggers out of the room*
Ron: *yelling after him* Ill be down to tuck you in later pumpkin... *turns slowly back to the class*... Its not what it sounds like!
Student: Im sure it doesnt...
Ron: Ok, thats it! You've been cheeky one time too many little boy!
Student: Im a girl!
Ron: Whatever, my point is 100 points from Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff!! Now, lets get on with the lesson, the most simple spell you will need to learn is expelliarmus... take out your wands and... yes??
OtherStudent: Sir? What happened with the sheep??
Ron: I cant tell you...
OtherStudent: Why not sir?
Ron: Because you're not 18!!
Harry: So Ron, how are you?
Ron: Im good... you?
Harry: Im good too...
*long silence*
Ron: Erm, you wanna bake cookies??
Harry: errrrm... ok
*Both prance off to the kitchens to make cookies*
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*In Snapes office*
Harry: You wanted to see me sir??
Snape: *Glares* yes Potter, sit down!!
Harry: *sits*
Snape: *Glares*
Harry: Erm, sir?
Snape: *Glaring* Yes Potter?
Harry: You asked me to see you??
Snape: *Glares* Yes, yes i did, now... Im going to ask you something Potter... and i want you to answer me precisely and truthfuly...
Harry: Erm, ok...
Snape: *Glares*
Harry: Whats the question??
Snape: *Glares* Will you be in a p*rno??
Harry: *Stares*
Snape: Well! Will you?!
Harry: Well, sir... I... I
Snape: Spit it out boy!
Harry: I... I thought you'd never ask!!
*Great Hall, start of year feast*
Dumbledore: Welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!
*Applause* I would just like to start off this year by saying *BANG!* oh sh*t...
*Dumbledore falls over backwards...*
Harry: Alright people! Now im
Im calling the shots now!
*Shocked silence, Harry walks up to the top table*
McGonagal: Sit down young man! I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour, 50 points from Griffindor!
*BANG!*
*McGonagal staggers backwards and falls over, out of sight*
Harry: Anyone else wanna make a complaint?
*Silence errupts*
Harry: Good, good... Now, I...
Dumbledore: Stop right there young man! It'll take more than a paint ball gun to stop me!
*Staggers to his feet, sways slightly, then falls over again* Alright then... maybe it doesnt,carry on Harry *sigh* carry on
Harry: Alright then... Erm... I dont really know where im going with this... I expected more of a struggle... erm, why dont you all just keep eating... I'll be in his office...
Dumbledore: The password is 'Finger Puppets'
Harry: Thanks dude... carry on!
*Harry walks out of the room. The rest of the students shrug and carry on eating*
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*in the common room*
Ron: Erm, Hermionie...
Hermionie: Yep?
Ron: I've been thinking... Things have been going really well lately...
Hermionie: Oh, i totally agree!
Ron: Good... because i think its time we said... well... you know...
Hermionie: Oh, i know what you mean... But do you really think we're there??
Ron: Oh totally... I mean, its been going on for ages!
Hermionie: Yea... I guess...
Ron: You guess???
Hermionie: No Ron... I know... I think we should just come out and say it... You go first...
Ron: *deep breath* Ok, here it goes...
*Hermionie and Ron shippers hold their breath*
Hermionie: *waits*... well go on!!
Ron: Hermionie... I... I... I... I LOVE YOU!!
Hermionie: *gasps*
Ron: What??
Hermionie: I think I may have misunderstood...
Ron: What? How?
Hermionie: I thought you meant we should... well... you know..
Ron: Oh, i know *giggles*
Hermionie: ... Fight over who gets Harry first...
Ron: Oh... well... maybe i didnt know... WHAT?!
Hermionie: Its only fair, I mean he cant decide so we...
Ron: HERMIONIE!!
Hermionie: What??
Ron: I thought we were going out!
Hermionie: I know we are!
Ron: Then... what were you talking about Harry for??
Hermionie: I mean, who gets to keep him, i mean, i know we bought him together, but we've got the holidays to think about!
Ron: Oh! I see... Well... you could stay with me and we could tie Harry up in the back garden, the gnomes wouldnt mind!
Hermionie: That would be super!
Ron: Oh Hermy! I love you!
Hermionie: I love you too har... I mean... Ronniepoo!!
*Great Hall, start of year feast*
Dumbledore: Welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!
*Applause* I would just like to start off this year by saying *BANG!* oh sh*t...
*Dumbledore falls over backwards...*
Harry: Alright people! Now im
Im calling the shots now!
*Shocked silence, Harry walks up to the top table*
McGonagal: Sit down young man! I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour, 50 points from Griffindor!
*BANG!*
*McGonagal staggers backwards and falls over, out of sight*
Harry: Anyone else wanna make a complaint?
*Silence errupts*
Harry: Good, good... Now, I...
Dumbledore: Stop right there young man! It'll take more than a paint ball gun to stop me!
*Staggers to his feet, sways slightly, then falls over again* Alright then... maybe it doesnt,carry on Harry *sigh* carry on
Harry: Alright then... Erm... I dont really know where im going with this... I expected more of a struggle... erm, why dont you all just keep eating... I'll be in his office...
Dumbledore: The password is 'Finger Puppets'
Harry: Thanks dude... carry on!
*Harry walks out of the room. The rest of the students shrug and carry on eating*
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*Draco is lying on a couch in the middle of the girls' bathroom*
Draco: I dont know, I just couldnt do it... I dont know why... We were standing there... All alone on the astronomy tower... And I just looked deep into his eyes... And I saw something there...
Myrtle: And what do you think that was??
Draco: Love... I saw Love... I LOVED HIM!!!
Myrtle: *scribbles something down on a pad* And how did that make you feel??
Draco: What??
Myrtle: How did that make you feel???
Draco: Oh... I dont know... I wanted him... I really did... Then... Something terrible happened...
Myrtle: What was it Draco??
Draco: Well... Snape came in... And he... He... He...
Myrtle: Take your time
Draco: *deep breath* He proposed!!
Myrtle: And how did that make... What???
Draco: Well... Of course Harry accepted, I mean, why wouldnt he!! Snape is everything a guy could ask for, he's got the long hair, the grease, the figure... everything!! I...
Myrtle: Wait wait wait... What are we talking about here?? I thought Snape killed Dumbledore!
Draco: Who's talking about Dumbledore?!
Myrtle: Well... Who were we talking about?!
Draco: Ron of course!!
*Several screams fill the air, one of the stall doors blows off its hinges and someone walks out, then someone else calmly walks out of another*
Draco: Granger... Lavender?!
Hermionie: Well duh! This is a girls bathroom!
Lavender: What did you say about my ronniekins?!
Hermionie: Oh get over him you sl*g!! He dumped you!!
Lavender: Why dont you get over yourself b*tch! He still loves me... He's just going through a rough time right now!
Hermionie: Oh, you wish!!
*Suddenly, Harry emerges, climbing over the top of one of the stalls*
Harry: Damn lock...
Draco: Potter?! What the hell are you doing here?!!
Harry: Its a girls bathroom... duh!
Draco: Ooooook then...
Harry: And you three can just get over Ron 'cos he's all mine now *flicks hair*
Draco: Oh, I dont think so b*tch!
Harry: Bring it on!!
Myrtle: Now now people... This isnt productive!!
*Everyone ignores Myrtle and a massive b*tch fight errupts... I cannot recount exactly what happened because there may be children reading... But in short... Nasty words were exchanged and there was a lot of biting, scratching, handbags and hair pulling*
Harry: GIRLS!! STOP!!
*Everyone stops*
Harry: Look... We shouldnt be fighting... We need to find out who Ron likes the most... Now Snapes out of the picture, we...
Hermionie: Wait... Snapes out of the picture... why??
Lavender: Didnt you hear??? Snape was three-timing my poor ickle Ronnikins
Hermionie: With whom???
Lavender: Voldie and Dumbledore of course!!
Hermionie: ... Oh thats gross...
Lavender: Yeeea... Ron saw them together... They were... You know...
Hermionie: Oh no!! Not all the way?!
Lavender: Oh yea... They watched all of it...
Hermionie: You mean... They sat through all of 'Pretty Woman'?!
Lavender: *nods* Yep...
Hermionie: Oh... my...
Harry: OK!!! OK... Anyway, as I was saying, now Snape's out of the picture Ron will be looking for someone else... So, here's my plan...
*A long silence*
Draco: Erm... Harry???
Harry: Oh right... Sorry... Anyway... My plan is that we all arrange a date with Ron and at the end, he tells us who he had the best time with!
Hermionie: Sounds fair...
Draco: Yep
Lavender: Fine with me!
*After shaking hands, they all walk out of the bathroom and go their separate ways... All unknowing that Ron... had joined Voldie, DD and Snape in watching Pretty Woman!!... He would never be the Ron they knew again...*
*Harry, Ron and Hermionie are walking down to hagrids hut*
Harry: What do you think hagrid wants to show us??
Hermionie: Probably another one of his dangerous pets
Ron: Ooooh! I hope it has fangs!
Harry: And pink fur!
Ron: What??
Harry: I... I mean... razor sharp claws... yea, thats what i meant....
*arrive at the cabin and knock*
Hagrid: Who is it!?
Hermionie: Its us hagrid! Open the door!
Hargird: All right, all right, im coming!
*the door opens to reveal hagrid who ushers them inside*
Harry: Sorry we havent been down to see you recently, its been a bit hectic, what with dumbledore going missing and all.
Hagrid: Missing? Oh yea... missing...
Hermionie: Do you know something hagrid??
Hagrid: No! Of course not... no idea! Dont talk such nonsense!
Ron: Hagrid... whats behind that curtain??
Hagrid: Nothing! Nothing!
Harry: Hagird....
Hagrid: Oh, all right... but you gotta promise not to tell!!
Ron: We promise...
*Hagrid pulls back the makeshift curtain to reveal dumbledore curled up like a cat on his bed with a bowl of water and some strange meaty substance which looked like dog food....*
Hagrid: Isnt he cute!
Hermionie: Oh... my... god...
Harry: what... the... hell...
Ron: Oh hagrid, he's adorable!! What are ya going to call him?!
Hagrid: I havent decided on a name yet... maybe fang...
Ron: Hagrid... your dog is called fang...
Hagrid: Oh yea! What about fang jr.?
Ron: Perfect!
Hermionie: Doesnt this seem wrong to anyone but me?!
Harry: Not just you... this is soooo bad!
Hermionie: I know!
Harry: Yea, they didnt even get him a basket!
Hermionie: I meant the general situation -_-*
Harry: Not that weird actually... it explains his dissapearance....
Hermionie: *shakes her head* Hagrid, you cant keep him! You have to release him into the wild!
Hagrid: But he's just a baby! What if the other wizards pick on him!?
Hermionie: I promise you they wont...
Hagrid: NO!! Im not giving him up!!
Hermionie: I'll give you a finger puppet....
Hagrid: Well... Ok...
*Hagird picks dumbledore up and throws him out of the cabin with a high pitched yelp*
Hagird: I cant believe he's gone!! *starts crying*
Hermionie: Its ok Hagird... here's your finger puppet..
Hagrid: *takes the finger puppet still sobbing* Thanks
Harry: Well, we better get back up to the castle... we need to tell everyone where dumbledore is...
*The three leave hagrid to play with his new finger puppet... and dumbledore to continue sniffing around the pumpkin patch on all fours, occasinally scratching at hagrid's hut door*
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*Harry and Hermionie are sat in the common room talking*
Harry: So you think i should go into Snapes office, sit on the... Oh, hey Ron!
*Ron enters the common room wearing all black, with white makeup and dyed black hair, dragging his feet and looking at the floor*
Ron: Oh, hey dude
Hermionie: Errm, Ron... whats going on??
Ron: Nothing... its always nothing...
Harry: *Whispering* Erm, Hremionie... He's just having a goth moment... it'll pass
Ron: Dont whisper about me dude...
Harry: Calm down Ron...
Ron: I am calm... I dont care about anything...
Hermionie: Then why did you tell Harry not to whisper about you??
Ron: What?
Harry: *whispering* Hermionie, dont question him!
Ron: I said dont whisper abuot me!
Hermionie: See, you do care!
Ron: Oh just shut up, im going to see Pig
Hermionie: See, you care about your owl!
Ron: I care about nothing... the world is full of darkness, nothing else...
Hermionie: Then why is it day time
Ron: I meant metaphorically
*Harry and Hermionie look at each other... scared...*
Harry: He... he... he used a metaphore!
Hermionie: And realised what it was!
Harry: Oh My God!!
Hermionie: What do we do???
Harry: .... RUN!!!
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*The great hall, end of year feast*
Dumbledore: Well, it is the end of another year at Hogwarts! I...
Director: No no no! This is all wrong!
Dumbledore: What? Whats going on?!
Director: Never you mind lovie!
Dumbledore: Lovie?? Is that even a word??
Director: Be quiet munchkin! Now, Hagrid... you can come in later... for no reason... Harry, start grinning so much it looks like your on prosac...
Harry: What?
Director: Just do what i tell you dearie, now Hermionie and Ron, do something that implies you really like each other but just dont know it yet...
Hermionie: But i dont like him!
Ron: Dude... Im gay!
Director: I dont care!! Start acting lovey dovey in an 'i hate you' kinda way!!
*Director looks around*
Dumbledore: Excuse me sir... but what the hell is going on??
Director: Im just improving this dreary scene!
Dumbledore: But i quite liked this scene!
Director: Not anymore you dont honey!
Dumbledore: If he calls me by a term of endearment one more time i swear im gonna snuff it!
Director: Calm down sweetie, its just a movie!
*Dumbledore snuffs it...*
Harry: Oh my god! You killed Dumbledore...
Ron: You b*astard!!
Director: Oh! Such language!! Anyway... erm... *yells to someone* GET ME ANOTHER OLD MAN!!
OtherOldMan: Here!
Director: Ok, you shall now be known as Dumbledore2!
OtherOldMan/Dumbledore2: Ok!
Director: Oh, and your meant to be English, but just to pi$$ some people off i want you to keep switching between and english and an American accent... can you do that??
Dumbledore2: I sure can!
Director: Now! The rest of you extras, just all look extatic for no reason whatsoever... except for the people with green badges... you look very pi$ off... ok?
Harry: Excuse me... but hwo is this improving??
Director: *laughs evily*
Hermionie: Oh my god! Harry! I've just thought of something! Just stay here for about half an hour while i go somewhere unnecessarilly then come back and tell you what everyone else has already figured out!
Harry: Erm... ok...
*Hermionie runs off*
Harry: So... director... how are you???
*25 mins later Hermionie returns*
Hermionie: Harry!! He's Lord Voldemort!!
Harry: Oh gosh Hermionie! I did NOT see that one coming!!
Director: Muahahahahahaha!!! Yes!! It is I!!!
Ron: ... *mumbles to self*... oh!! I get it now... *sharp intake of breath* YouKnowWho!!
Director: Oooooooooooook.... anyway... Yes!! It is I!!
Harry: *whispering* you already said that...
Director: Oh, did, I... sorry... anyway... i shall now reveal myself!! *goes to take of his muggle clothes*
Hermionie: OH MY GOD!! Noooooooooo!! Im too innocent!!
Harry: STOP!! Voldie!! Nooooooo!! Flashing us all wont get you anywhere!!!
Director: I was just going to reveal my robes and real face...
Harry: Oh, ok... carry on...
*Voldie does so...*
Voldie: You see!! I am here!! Muwahahahhahaha!!!
Harry: Erm... why... now you've told us... what do you plan to do??
Voldie: Oh, isnt it obvious Harry?!
Harry: No...
Voldie: Im going to make a film of it all!! Muwahahahaha!!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hermionie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dumbledore2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DeadDumbledore: .............
Extras: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GreenBadgeWearingExtras: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA... wait... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
FutureAudience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
{5 mins later}
Ron: What???.... oh... wait... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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*Hagrid telling Harry he's a wizard*
Hagird: You'll know all about Hogwarts of course
Harry: Sorry, no.
Hagrid: Didnt you ever wonder where your parents learnt it all??
Harry: Learnt what?
Hagrid: Your a wizard harry
Harry: Ok *wink*, i get you...
Hagrid: No... you really are a wizard!
Harry: Well, im a dungeon master level 5...
Hagrid: No! You are a wizard!!
Harry: Look... dude... you just broke down my front door and gave me a green birthday cake... and you smell of whiskey...
Hagrid: I've been around Dumbledore all day, so i...
Harry: Oh, around him eh?
Hagrid: No!! Not in that way!!
Harry: Riiiiiiight
Hagrid: Oh, shut up will you!!
Harry: Oooooh!! Sorry!!
Hagird: Ok, you're really starting to pi$$ me off you little b*stard!!!
Harry: Now now, no need to use such naughty language!!
Hagird: ARGH!! FINE!! Thats it!! Dumbledore told me you might act like this!
Harry: Ooooh, did he now???
Hagrid: Yea, he did, and he told me exactly what to do!
Harry: What that then?? point your wand at me??
Hagrid: No... this *beats harry on the head with a large wooden club*
Harry: *Drools and gurgles, then falls to the floor, unconsious*
Hagrid: *Puts harry in a sack and flings it over his shoulder* See you later Dursley
Dursley: *Eats a bar of chocolate and waves, drooling slightly*
*A press meeting*
Reporter: So, Harry, you've just defeated Lord Voldemort... what are you going to do now?!
Harry: Well nameless reporter, im not sure, i feel rather empty...
Reporter: *Scribbling on parchment* Umhum...
Harry: But, you know... I think im gonna write my life story down in a series of 7 books, one for each year i was at Hogwarts and leave an adsurd amout of time between each one just to make fans wait...
Reporter: Umhum...
Harry: Will you stop doing that?
Reporter: Umhumm...
Harry: Fine!! Lets see...
Reporter: Unhumm...
Harry: And im gonna call myself Joanne Kathleen Rowling...
Reporter: Umhumm
Harry: Because I'd rather like to live as a woman for a while...
Reporter: Umhumm...
Harry: And them im going to... erm... TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!
Reporter: Umhumm...
Harry: After... erm... taking your family hostage...
Reporter: Umhumm...
Harry: *sigh*... Im gonna force David and Victoria Beckham to get divorced
Reporter: WHAT?!?!?!
Harry: There you go...
Rerporter: Umhumm...
Harry: DAMN!!!
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