|
|
This is where all the scripts which imply any of the harry potter
characters are gay are stored...
*The Slytherins and Griffindors are in the dungeons, awaiting snape to arrive to start the potions lesson*
Malfoy: Potter!
Harry: What malfoy??
Malfoy: ... You smell
Harry: Oh ha ha ha, you should do stand up comedy
Malfoy: Actually, i've been thinking of switching from dance to comedy recently!
Harry: Really?? You should... your dancing sux a$$
Malfoy: It does not!
Harry: Show us then!
Malfoy: Fine! You'll see!!
*Malfoy starts prancing around the room in a ballet like fashion*
Snape: What is going on here?!
Malfoy: *stops dancing* Nothing sir... i was just... erm...
Snape: You were just what?
Malfoy: Im sorry sir! It wont happen again!
Snape: It better not! Next time i see you attempting to dance... i want to see it done like this!
*Rips off his robes to reveal a pink leotard, blue tights and green leg warmers*
Harry: Oh... My... God
*The music from 'Fame' starts... Snape begins to dance*
Snape: Baby, look at me And tell me what you see You ain't seen the best of me yet. Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest. I got more in me, And you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hand Don't you know who I am?
Remember my name.
Everyone: Fame! I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna learn how to fly--high!
*The dungeons errupt into song and dance for about 5 minutes*
*The music finishes...*
Malfoy: Wow sir... i didnt know you could look so good in tights....
Snape: Well, i have been working out... I... wait... SIT DOWN!! This is potions! Not dance class... thats next lesson!
|
|
*Harry alone in the boy's dormitory*
Harry: *sings into a hairbrush* 'Burn baby burn, disco inferno!
*Click, click, click*
Harry: Whose there??! Show yourself?!
*silence*
Harry: *Shrugs* Hit me baby one more time, ow! ow! ow!
Ron: Erm... harry..
*harry spins round to see Ron, Dean, Neville and Seamus stood at the door, open mouthed*
Harry: I can explain!
*five minutes later*
Harry: My loneliness is killing me
Ron: I must confess I still believe
Dean: When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Neville: Give me a sign
Seamus: Hit me baby one more time
|
*Hermionie runs in to the common room screeching.*
Hermionie: Harry!! Harry!! Ron!!
Harry: What is it Hermionie?? Calm down!
Ron: Yea, chill!
Hermionie: I've just seen a notice...
Ron: What did it say?? No homework should be over the exact length?
Harry: Yea, or maybe... maybe... maybe
points get taken off for every right answer said in class!
*Harry and Ron snigger stupidly*
Hermionie: No! Dont be idiots!
Harry: Then tell us what it said!
Hermionie: Fine! It said... it said... we arent allowed to wear make up any more!
Harry: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Ron: What are we going to do Harry?!?!
Harry: I just dont know Ron!! I cant go to class in a morning without my face on!!
|
|
|
|
Snape: I’m sorry Malfoy, but I’m going to have to fail you in potions, you just haven’t been getting the grades!
Malfoy: But... but, I cant be failing!! I just cant!!
Snape: Well, I’m sorry, but you are
Malfoy: Well, I... er.. I'm sure we can work this out some way *moves towards snape* What do you say Severus... I can call you Severus, cant I?
Snape: Are you trying to seduce me Mr. Malfoy?
Malfoy: Oh no! Never Professor Snape... unless...
Snape: Unless what?
Malfoy: Unless you would consider giving me a passing grade *takes his cloak off*
Snape: Oh my god! You're serious aren’t you!
Malfoy: Well.. *Sits on Snapes knee*.. With my father gone, I need some other way to get good grades...
Snape: *Pushes Malfoy off him* If you walk out of this room right now and never speak of this again I will give you an O!!!
Malfoy: Deal!... Unless you want me to stay...
Snape: OUT!!!
Malfoy: Well... if you're sure!
Snape: NOW!!
*malfoy runs out of the door, Hermionie enters*
Hermionie: You wanted to see me sir?
Snape: Yes... I’m sorry to say that I’m going to have to fail you in potions... |
Harry: So, what say you and I get together again?
Ron: Harry... what are you doing???
Harry: *whispers* Get lost Ron! Im trying to get Cho to go out with me again
Ron: But Cho isnt here!
Harry: What? Yes she is! You're stood between us!!
Ron: Harry... I think you should put these on *hands harry his glasses* you left them in the common room earlier
Harry: Ok, then you'll see that it is cho!
*Harry puts on his glasses and Ron moves out of the way*
Harry: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ron: Told you Harry
Harry: Sorry Mr. Filch!! I didnt mean... I... I...
Filch: Quite alright Harry my dear... now, what were you saying about us getting back together again?? Its been too long my love...
|
|
|
|
Ron: So you see Hermionie, all those comments and stuff I made about you was just covering my real feelings! You see Hermionie, I...
Hermionie: Stop there Ron, I know exactly what you're going to say.
Ron: You do?
Hermionie: Yes... You're going to tell me you have... well, feelings for me, but I just don’t think....
Ron: Wait, wait, wait! That was NOT what I was going to tell you!
Hermionie: It wasn’t??? Then what was it??
Ron: I was going to say that I'm really in love with Harry...
Hermionie: What?
Ron: Alas!! It is true!! I've been trying to get rid of you for ages now! Just so Harry and I can be alone!
Hermionie: Ooook.... Ron, think about what you're saying...
Ron: Oh, I’ve thought about it many a time Hermionie... but I just can’t keep it inside any longer!!
Hermionie: Oh no... *backs out of the room just as Harry enters*
Ron: I LOVE YOU HARRY POTTER!!!
Harry: What?
Ron: Oh... Harry... I... I
Harry: Its ok Ron.... I feel the same way
*embrace*
|
*Snape is on his secret mission for the order*
Voldie: Ah, snape...
Snape: Voldie...
Voldie: Dont call me that Snape!
Snape: You used to let me...
Voldie: Well that was before... before... oh i cant even say it!!
Snape: Look, Voldie, i was young and naive! I didnt know what i was doing!!
Voldie: You knew perfectly well what you were doing!
Snape: No, please Voldie... cant things just go back to the way they were??
Voldie: They can never go back to they way they were!! You made sure of that!! You destroyed them!!
Snape: I know... but we could make new ones!
Voldie: What??
Snape: Are we talking about the same thing??
Voldie: I was talking about the way you scarred me for life by cheating on me with Dumbledore...
Snape: Oh... i see...
Voldie: Why?? What were you talking about??
Snape: Oh, the same!
Voldie: No you werent!! Tell me...
Snape: Ok, but promise not to get mad...
Voldie: I promise nothing...
Snape: ... erm... ok... I... well... take into account i was mad at you for losing my hair curlers...
Voldie: I told you, i didnt lose them, they broke while i was using them... my hair is just so difficult to tame!
Snape: Oh, no your hair is gorgeious!
Voldie: *giggles* Oh, your too kind, I... wait! Dont change the subject!!
Snape: Erm... ok... like i said, dont get mad... I... I... I cut up your finger puppets...
Voldie: WHAT!??!
Snape: Im sorry!! Im so sorry!! Please dont hate me!!
Voldie: I cant believe you did that... How could you?! How could you?!!?
Snape: *crying* Please dont hate me!! Im sooo sorry!!
Voldie: Just get out of my sight!
Snape: But... but...
Voldie: NOW!!
*Snape leaves, dragging his feet behind him*
Voldie: Dont let him see you cry old man... dont let him see you cry...
|
|
|
|
Harry: So... Ron... how are you??
Ron: Oh, im good... you??
Harry: Yep... good too...
Ron: ... Well... you wanna make...
Harry: Make finger puppets!??!
Ron: Well... I was gonna say make-o...
Harry: What??
Ron: Erm... well... I...
Harry: Oh... Oh... I see what you mean... I dont know if we're there yet Ron...
Ron: But... I thought that... Well, you know... Its been like six years since we've known each other...
Harry: Yea Ron... but i dont think six years could prepare us...
Ron: Yea, i guess...
Harry: I mean... making papermache dolls is a big step...
Ron: I know man... but i thought we were there...
Harry: No my old friend... not yet... not yet...
Ron: Wanna make out then??
Harry: ... Ok!
*... use your imagination... *
|
*Harry talking to Ron in the common room*
Harry: So, Ron, how are you and Hermionie doing?
Ron: Oh, we're doing great! I cant believe i finally get to date her!
Harry: Oh, yea... good... good...
Ron: Oh yea, sorry dude, i know its difficult... but we're still friends right?
Harry: Of course! Im over it!
Ron: Good, because i dont want what happened between us to ruin our friendship, it was a mutual split... wasnt it?
Harry: Oh, totally! I mean, we both wanted other things!
Ron: Yea... yea... well... So, how's things going with Dean??
Harry: Erm, good, good... well, not really... We broke up...
Ron: Oh, sorry dude...
Harry: Nah, its ok... We both wanted different things... he wanted a family... and im just not ready for that...
Ron: Yea... that would mean a serious change for one of you!
Harry: Well, both of us!
Ron: But... how would that work... I mean... you're both guy's now... if you both get the surgery... then you'd both...
Harry: Oh, for god's sake ron!! I meant he wanted to adopt you idiot!!
Ron: Oh sorry...
Harry: So, have you or hermionie made any plans yet??
Ron: Oh god no! I mean... she's a girl!
Harry: *blank stare* What?
Ron: Yea, it was a shock for me too!! |
|
|
|
*Hagrid's hut*
Snape: You wanted to see me hagrid, i hope this wont take long, i have a meeting with Minerva soon.
Hagrid: Oh, this wont take long severus...
Snape: Good good
Hagird: I just asked you here to tell you... to tell you its over!
Snape: ... what?
Hagrid: You 'eard me! Its over, an' ther's nout you can say to get me back
Snape: Oh, alright then, i'll be off to see minerva then, bye!
Hagrid: So you're just gonna leave???
Snape: Well... yes... you dont want to be with me anymore... i can live with that!
Hagrid: But... but... you're meant to beg me to take you back!
Snape: Ha! Dont you get it hagird!?
Hagrid: Get what?
Snape: I've got relationships going with half the teachers in this school!... *cough* andstudents *cough*... I dont need you!
Hagird: So thats it! I was just another notch on your bed post!? Another bit of skirt!
Snape: Well... I wouldnt say a bit of skirt...
Hagrid: Are you saying i dont look nice in my skirt??
Snape: Of course you dont! I asked you to wear that as a joke! And those pitures?? They're all over the muggle internet now! Muwahahahahaha!!
Hagrid: *now in tears* How could you?! How could you?! You heartless, twisted, perverted b*stard!!
Snape: Whoa... calm down hagrid... im not heartless!!
Hagrid: Well you're doing a very good impression
{ron: didnt i say something along those lines once???}
Snape: Sorry hagrid... but i have to say it... you're a ****! A common ****!
Hagrid: Oh! Now you've gone too far dude!
Snape: What are you going to do? Hit me with that large metal bat you have in your hand? Ahahahahaha!!
Hagrid: .....
Snape: Oh cr*p...
*Hagrid advances on Snape, who backs away*
Snape: Please... no... no.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
*Later that day, hagrid is seen digging in his pumpkin patch...*
|
*In the common room, ron and harry are sat doing potions homework, harry suddenly puts down his quill and turns to ron*
Harry: Ron... Its been a long time since we've talked...
Ron: We talked this morning dude...
Harry: Asking me to pass you the butter is NOT talking!
Ron: I spoke to you didnt i? I opened my mouth and used my voice box...
Harry: You dont act like you used to anymore!
Ron: What are you blathering on about now dude?
Harry: You're not like you used to be! You've changed!
Ron: *sigh* What is this all about Harry?
Harry: You dont act like im special anymore! You're so distant and uncaring... Sometimes i dont even feel like a real woman anymore!
Ron: ..... what??
Harry: Oh! You just dont get it!! *storms out*
Ron: *turning to hermionie* What in gods name was that about??
Hermionie: Dont you know what day it is??
Ron: Sure, May 23rd... oh crap!! I forgot our anniversary!
Hermionie: ... again?? |
|
|
|
*In the dungeons, Dumbledore is tied to a chair and Snape is pacing infront of him*
Snape: Ah Dumbledore! Greetings!
Dumbledore: ... I've been here for about 10 minutes and you've said that about 3 times now...
Snape: Ah ha!
Dumbledore: What??
Snape: Nothing... nothing... Now... tell me all you know!
Dumbledore: About what? Severus... you're not making any sense! Please just untie me and stop all this nonsense
Snape: No! I have captured you! ahahaha!
Dumbledore: Look, the same thing happened with Voldie a few days ago.... he...
Snape: Oh shut up!! Its always about Voldie isnt it?! Its never about me! You never have time for me anymore!
Dumbledore: Is that what this is all about?? Because if it is, there's nothing to worry about! Its true voldie and i were... an item... but not anymore! Thats all in the past! He's just taking it a little hard, thats all...
Snape: Be quiet! I know what you've been up to behind my back!
Dumbledore: I dont know...
Snape: I saw you!!!
Dumbledore: Well... i... i... fine! Im sorry severus!! But i just cant deny my love for voldie! We werre together for so long, we became so close! Its hard to just break a bond like that!
Snape: Indeed... well... there is only one thing left for me to do *walks away*
Dumbledore: *calls after Snape* Let me go!?
Snape: *re-enters the room... holding a feather* No.... not exactly
Dumbledore: What are you going to do with that... no.. please... no... have mercy.. i'll do whatever you want!!
Snape: Oh, its too late for pleading Albus, my old friend.... you shall regrett ever having crossed me!!
Dumbledore: I regrett it! Now can i go!?
Snape: Ahahahaha!! I think not!!
*Snape advances on Dumbledore with the feather*
Dumbledore: NO!!! PLEASE, NO!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... NOOO... AHAHAHAHA.... PLEASE.... STOP.... AHAHAHAHA!!
Snape: Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *breathe* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
|
|
|
|
|
*Haloween at Hogwarts... In the boys dormitory*
Harry: Oh, this is gonna be sooo cool!!
Dean: Oh yea baby! Deffinetly!!
Seamus: I cant believe Dumbledore's letting us dress up this year!!
Harry: I know... I wonder what he's going as!!
Neville: I heard he was just going as himself, he's such a legend anyway...
Dean: Thats a bit arrogant dont you think??
Seamus: Yea, but its true!
Dean: Good point... so... who are all you guys going as??
Harry: Erm... I... Erm... I... I... *Rubs eyeliner off his scar*... Superman!!
Seamus: A leprechaun... to show my love of my homeland
Neville: Wales???
Seamus: No you idiot!!!… Scotland!!
Neville: Oh, ok... Im going as Danny from Grease
*Ron enters*
Dean: Im going as Gandalf from .... Ron??
Ron: Yea??
Harry: What the hell are you wearing???
Ron: My constume!!
Harry: Erm... Ron... do you really think thats appropriate??
Ron: What?? Wonder woman is really in this season!!
Dean: Ok Ron, whatever you say... anyway, lets get down to the great hall or we'll be late...
*All finish putting on their costumes and make-up and go down to the great hall*
Ron: Wow... Hermionie... you look... wow!
Hermionie: Thanks ron... I didnt think cat woman would be good... but wonder woman... thats... thats... really... really interesting Ron...
Ron: Well *blushes*, i try...
Harry: Oh, shut up you two! Dumbledore's about to arrive!!
*Dumbledore walks into the hall and up to the staff table*
Ron: The b*stard!!
Harry: What??
Ron: He ripped off my costume!!!
*Griffindors and Slytherins in the dungeons for potions*
Harry: Ron, can you please pass me the powdered root of asphodel??
Ron: Sure... Here ya go! *passes the aforementioned powdered root of asphodel*
Harry: There's no need to pass it so formerly!
Ron: Well, theres no need to ask so formerly!
Harry: Sorry...
Ron: Ok... I'll try again *takes back the aforementioned powdered root of asphodel*
Harry: Ron, can i 'ave the powdered thingymabob?
Ron: Aye... *passes stuff*
Harry: Thats better...
Snape: Whats going on here!!?
Harry: We're making our potions sir...
Snape: I can see that... I meant what is going on with your hair?!
Harry: Huh??
Snape: Darling, you obviously have some form of root condition... But we can sort that out with a little gel... And a dye might not go amiss either... So, what we need to do... *Takes a bottle out of his pocket and dumps the contents on harry's head, then massages it into his scalp*
Harry: Erm, sir...
Snape: Quiet! I am creating!!
Harry: But sir... IT BURNS!!!
Snape: No more than my pee i expect...
Harry: Ok... wait... WHAT?!
Ron: Oh dude... NO! Over share dude!! OVER SHARE!!
Draco: It burns when I pee too sir... Can you do my hair next sir? Please sir! I want to have your babies sir!!
Snape: SIT DOWN DRACO!! You brown nosed little creep!!
Draco: Oh your insults are so brilliant sir! May i have another!!
Snape: See me after class and i'll record you a tape of them...
Draco: Oh yes please sir!! *hops up and down in excitement... too much excitement...*
Harry: Sir... Back to me... my head... your hands *shudders*
Snape: Dont worry Harry, i'm almost done!!
*Snape stops rubbing Harry's head {Oh how wrong does that sound!?} and Harry straightens up again*
Harry: What have you done??
Snape: Made you look absolutely gorgeous!!
Ron: Here dude... Look... *Passes Ron a pocket mirror*
Harry: Why...
Ron: Cant every guy carry a pocket mirror!!? Dont we all want to look beautiful?!
Harry: Ok dude... Just... OH MY GOD!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?
Snape: Dont... Dont you like it???
Harry: NO I DONT LIKE IT!!... Its... its... its greasy and lank!!
Snape: Exactly! Dont you just adore mine! So sleek... So... slippery...
Ron: *whispering and looking at snape* Do you think he likes that word a little too much...
Harry: Deffinely...
Snape: It will grow on you Harry! Literally... Here, take the bottle *hands harry the bottle of 'gel'*
Harry: What is this stuff???
Snape: I make it myself *strokes his hair*
Harry: Oh... I see....
Snape: Just stop washing your hair and yours will make its own too!!
Harry: *stares... looks from the bottle to snape to his own hair in the mirror...* OH MY GOD NOOOO!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!! Gross!!
*Runs from the room pulling out his hair...*
Snape: Now what was up with him??? *Sweeps back up to the head of the classroom* Now! Has everyone finished making their eyeshadow?...
|
*On the Hogwarts express in Harry's first year*
Ron: So Harry... what size shoe are you??
Harry: You dont really waste time in asking sensitive questions do you?!
Ron: Well... I dont think its that much of a sensitive question! Its just that my family have warned me about certain groups at hogwarts...
Harry: Dude! Look... will you keep your voice down! This is a really private matter!
Ron: I didnt realise Harry... Im sorry... but, *looks around, then whispers*... What size shoes do you wear??
Harry: *Leans forward...* Well... just between us... Im a six...
Ron: Oh! Thank lucifer! I was worried you were a midget or something!!
Harry: Oh god no!
Ron: *very loudly* So harry... are you gay??
Harry: *even louder* Yes Ron! I am!! AND IM SINGLE AND LOOKING!!
*door slides open*
Dean: Did i hear someone say they were single and looking?? What shoe size are you??
Ron: Ssssssssh!!! Thats a very private and personal matter... its not like being gay!!
|
|
|
|
